It’s not being reformed’! It’s passed on! This NHS Bill is no more!

I wont be at Lib Dem conference on Saturday, but if I were, this is the sketch I would be likely to be performing at the glee club.

A constituent enters his MP’s Office with a copy of the NHS Bill cut in the shape of a parrot in his hand.

Constituent says: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

The MP does not respond.

Constituent says: ‘Ello, Miss?

The MP Replies: What do you mean “miss”?

Constituent says: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

MP: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Constituent: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Bill what you’re pushing from this very boutique.

MP: Oh yes, the, uh, the NHS Bill…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Constituent: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

MP: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…its out for consultation.

Constituent: Look, matey, I know a dead Bill when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

MP: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s redrafting’! Remarkable Bill, the NHS Bill, idn’it, ay? Beautiful semantics!

Constituent: The semantics don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

MP: Nononono, no, no! it’s being scrutinised in the Lords!

Constituent: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister NHS Bill! I’ve got a lovely fresh patient for you if you show…

MP (Thwacks the Bill across his leg) There, it moved!

Constituent: No, it didn’t, that was you thwacking it accross your leg!

MP: I never!!

Constituent: Yes, you did!

MP: I never, never did anything…

Constituent: (yelling and hitting the Bill repeatedly) ‘ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!  (Takes Bill and thumps it on the floor. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Now that’s what I call a dead Bill.

MP: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stalled for consultation!

Constituent: STALLED?!?

MP: Yeah! You stalled it, just as it was wakin’ up! NHS Bills stall easily, major.

Constituent: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Bill is definitely deceased, and when I collected it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged consultation.

MP: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the commercialisation.

Constituent: PININ’ for the consultation?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got ‘it home?

MP: The NHS Bill prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable Bill, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Conatituent: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Bill when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its shelf in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

MP: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that Bill down, it would have nuzzled up to those hospitals, ripped ’em apart with its PFI, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee Market!

Constituent: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this Bill wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

MP: No no! ‘E’s being reformed!

Constituent: It’s not being reformed’! It’s passed on! This NHS Bill is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the shelf it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now ‘istory! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, It’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN Ex NHS BILL!!

(pause)

MP: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of NHS Bills.

Constituent: I see. I see, I get the picture.

MP: I got a Bankers Bonuses Bill.

(pause)

Constituent: Pray, does it work?

MP: Nnnnot really.

Constituent: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

MP: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Constituent: Well.

(pause)

MP: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Constituent: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

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