Whilst we appreciate that there has been much criticism of the criticism of Nige and his band of merry men, as they sit in their tavern on the green discussing how they will purge merry England of the threat of European invasions, we feel that this play should still get a fair reading and so this is the first of a series of extacts which we will be publishing over the coming weeks. In this scene Nigel and the kippers discuss what the EU has ever done for us.
Scene 10: Before the EU Things Were Smelly
NIGE 1: We’re gettin’ in through the Channel Tunnel here, up through Calais and across to Brussels, and European Parliament is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Van Rompuy that Britain is in our command and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
NIGE 2: What exactly are the demands?
NIGE 3: We’re giving Van Rompuy two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the European Imperialist State, and if he doesn’t agree immediately, we cut off Europe.
NIGE 4: Cut her wine off?
NIGE 1: Cut all her trade and her people off. Send ’em back on the hour every hour. Show them we’re not to be trifled with.
NIGE 3: Also, we’re demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of Angela Merkel with her tits hangin’ out.
NIGELLA: What? They’ll never agree to that, Nige.
NIGE 3: That’s just a bar– a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we cut her off, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!
UKIPers: No blackmail!
NIGE 3: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers’ fathers.
NIGELLA: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
NIGE 3: Yeah.
NIGELLA: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
NIGE 3: Yeah. All right, Nige. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
NIGE 2: The Channel Tunnel?
NIGE 3: What?
NIGE 2: The Channel Tunnel.
NIGE 3: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that’s true. Yeah.
NIGE 6: And the clean air act.
NIGELLA: Oh, yeah, the clean air act, Nige. Remember what the cities used to be like?
NIGE 3: Yeah. All right. I’ll grant you the Channel Tunnel and the clean air are two things that the EU have done.
NIGE 4: And the Erasmus student exchange.
NIGE 3: Well, yeah. Obviously the Erasmus Student Exchange. I mean, the Erasmus Student Exchange goes without saying, don’t it? But apart from the Channel Tunnel, the clean air, and the Erasmus Student Exchange–
NIGE 2: 3 million jobs.
NIGE 2: and end to quack mecial products.
UKIPers: Huh? Heh? Huh…
NIGE 5: Health cover when we go on holiday.
NIGE 3: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.
NIGE 4: And the wine.
UKIPers: Oh, yes. Yeah…
NIGE 1: Yeah. Yeah, that’s something we’d really miss, Nige, if we left the EU. Huh.
NIGE 2: Public stadiums.
NIGELLA: And it’s safe to walk in the streets at night now, Nigel thanks to intentional cooperation on policing.
NIGE 1: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let’s face it. They’re the only ones who could in a place like this.
UKIPers: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
NIGE 3: All right, but apart from the Channel Tunnel, an end to quack medicine, Erasmus student exchange, wine, international policing,
health cover when we go on holiday, public stadiums, fishing protection zones, and 3 million jobs, what have the Romans ever done for us?
NIGE 2: Brought peace.
NIGE 3: Oh. Peace? Shut up!
bam bam bam bam bam bam bam
bam bam bam bam bam
NIGE 4: I am a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent, and–
NIGELINA: It’s all right, Nige.
NIGE 4: It’s all clear.
NIGELINA: Well, where’s Nige?
NIGE 1: Oh, Nige. Nige, it’s Nigelina.
NIGE 3: What went wrong?
NIGELINA: The first blow has been struck!
NIGE 3: Did he finish the slogan?
NIGELINA: A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace!
NIGE 3: Oh, great. Great. We– we need doers in our movement, Nige, but, before you join us, know this. There is not one of us here who
would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the EU once and for all.
NIGE 2: Uhh. Well, one.
NIGE 3: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there’s one, but otherwise, we’re solid. Are you with us?
NIGE 3: From now on, you shall be called ‘Nige that is called Nige’. Tell him about the raid on Van Rompuy’s presidency, Nige.
NIGE 1: Right. This is the plan…
(on a serious note, it’s astounding how little of that sketch from the Life of Brian had to be changed at all in order to make it current, many years on.)